Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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