dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
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this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
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Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
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I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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