I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
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When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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