Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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