He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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