so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
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Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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