he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
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he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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