He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
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omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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