this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
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She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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