Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I forget how to act sober
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