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Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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