either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
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So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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