Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
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Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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