She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
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Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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