Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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