i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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