so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
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You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
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so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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