your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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