I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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