you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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