I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
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In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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