We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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