I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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