Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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