My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
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We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
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You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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