just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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