Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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