I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
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Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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