So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
it's like iHOP with fire
tequila makes me forget i have legs
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I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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