party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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