Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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