I haven't been this sober since birth.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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