At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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