if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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