U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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