Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
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I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
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Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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