we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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