You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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