he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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