i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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