Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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