I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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