I'm so fucking centered right now
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
