Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
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You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Pants are for mortals
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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