So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
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Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
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Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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