Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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