my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
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Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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