I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
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i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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