I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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