So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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